I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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