Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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