I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
