I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
