I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
