the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
