I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
