after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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