Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
two words...techno handjob
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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