saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
