who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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