My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
