Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
