and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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