Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
