Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
