You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
