toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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