I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
