You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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