Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
