I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
