this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
