What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
