My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Found your dick twin last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
