Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
