Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
