Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
