Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
