I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
