So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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