he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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