I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
