Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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