What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
