my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
