You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
