I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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