My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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