3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
