I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dating After Heartbreak
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.