You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
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they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight