I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
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I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.