No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.