i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
