community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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