we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
