I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
