If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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