Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
