its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
