I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
