Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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