Apparently you make a good broom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
NoShamevember. You game?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
