You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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