he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
