Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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