This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
