Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
