I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
