so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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